The Journal
by anon33125
Summary: Set after the Invasion of Pain, during the reconstruction fillers where Sakura and Ino are going through pictures and stuff that has survived the destruction. Sakura finds an authorless journal and decides to invite the other teens to read it and help figure out who it belonged to... All characters owned by Kishimoto
1. Chapter 1

_There are many seemingly trivial items that survived the invasion of Pain, but Sakura still wanted to place them back with their original owners. Sentimental value is far more important than it may seem, especially when everyone can feel the destruction. It is as she is sorting through these misplaced items that she comes across a rather weather-torn and beaten journal. It had a thick leather binding, which had probably been its savior through countless missions, but there was no name or indication as to who it belonged to. It is the end of a long day, so Sakura decides that she'll flip through the first few pages to see if she can find the owner's name another way. It isn't long before she finds herself snickering, getting lost in the story. She calls Ino over after a page or two, refining her decision that this can't really be a journal, it had to have been meant as a novel or something. Within minutes, the entirety of the original Rookie Nine (minus Sasuke) is crowded around the book, rewarding themselves with a little entertainment after a hard day of reconstruction. _

I hate doors. They are really just inconvenient. It's not like they even complete any of their intended purposes. There are no doors that can completely block sound without some sort of chakra barrier nor are there any doors that can't be broken into without a certain amount of persistence. The only plausible explanation for having the damn things in the first place would be privacy. But, seriously, people are all the same. Like with cats. Once you've seen one, you've seen them all. There are differences, of course, some are big, some are small, some are fat, some are thin, some are grey, some are orange, some are striped, some are solid, etc., etc. You can imagine any combination you like, and a cat like that will exist somewhere. People are pretty much the same. We all have the same anatomy, minus the difference between male and female, so we should really just get over ourselves and admit that it doesn't matter what we look like. If I knew you were naked behind the door, I could easily picture your body down to every little hair (I could do that even if I didn't know you were naked or you were standing in front of me without a door…). So, we should stop with this whole pseudo-privacy door thing, it's all mind over matter anyway.

I also hate walking on the ground. It feels almost unnatural. I'd rather be trying to balance on a telephone wire a hundred feet in the air then walking on dirt roads. I'm not really quite sure why this is, but as a shinobi, I choose to blame it on paranoia. There are too many ways to be attacked on the ground. Going underground is good, as is being high above ground-level as I just explained. That way, at least I've got the drop on anyone who might try something on me.

The reason I'm thinking about these things is because they are both in my face right now and that makes me sulk. I'm standing on the ground, facing a closed door.

I huff out a sigh and shove my hands in my pockets. I truly hate being in front of this particular door. On the other side of it is Sandaime and my team. Another mission. Another chance to prove to our village that everyone is wrong. I'm not a leader; I'm not a good shinobi; I'm not my father. But, when the time comes to prove myself right, I can't do it. I can't have more death on my hands. Instead, I've got the number-one ANBU record for least casualties on S-rank missions. Captain for 4 years and I haven't lost a single team member. I also haven't failed a mission, but that's kind of my job, so I don't count it in my own mental tallies.

I shake my head a little and scuff my toe at the ground, trying to make a little divot to get myself off of level ground even though I know it's pointless on a wood floor. I glance out the window at the sun, gauge that I've been standing outside this closed door for at least an hour, and decide that's been long enough. I drop the mask concealing my chakra from those on the inside and shove the door open with my shoulder. No resistance. Doors are such a waste.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hound-taicho, you're late," the tallest ANBU in the room states, clearly unamused as I walk in. I shrug.

"What'd I miss?" I ask, nonchalant. Missions are far from straightforward. There's really no point to briefings anyway. Scrolls contain the necessity of factual information, everything else gets skewed or changed day to day, so briefings are generally doing the opposite of helping you prepare.

"Nothing we can't fill you in on later, Senpai." My eyes are drawn to that ANBU with the cat mask who spoke. He's my favorite, with his crazy wide expressive eyes, long brown hair, and intense scent of fresh dirt and pine. I give the barest nod of acknowledgement to his offer.

"As I was saying," Sandaime continues, as though I hadn't walked in. He's used to my antics by now. "I expect this mission to take 2 weeks, a day longer and I will send out a recon team, assuming that you have been injured and are unable to continue. If something unexpected arises, Hound, contact me. As usual, I expect nothing but the best from you, Team Ro. Leave before dawn tomorrow." He dismisses us with a puff of his pipe. We bow and disappear, seemingly sinking into the floor.

_"I don't know if we should be reading this, Sakura-chan. This guy is ANBU. There might be top secret info in here." Naruto sounded oddly worried for someone who generally poked his nose way too far into other people's business. _

_"Hai, Naruto-kun, is—" Hinata had begun to mumble agreement with Naruto but was quickly cut off._

_"How do you know it's a guy?" Tenten challenged. "It could be an ANBU kunoichi!"_

_"Maa, this person sounds troublesome enough to be a girl," Shikamaru grumbled. "But there aren't many female ANBU captains who have held position for at least 4 years."_

_"Oi! You guys are all treating this as if it's true! Maybe it's just someone writing for the sake of writing!" Kiba felt as though he had to argue with someone, might as well be all of them. Chouji just opened a bag of chips and started munching away, ready to watch the show of his fellow shinobi fighting about the journal. _

_Sakura and Ino shared a glance as Naruto, Kiba, and Lee (who was starting to feel left out of his rival's fight) started arguing loudly about whether the events in the journal had really happened or not. Shikamaru reached in to share Chouji's chips while Neji looked like he was contemplating just stealing the journal to read by himself. The two kunoichi turned a glare towards their teammates and quickly the chatter died down. _

_"If anybody does NOT want to read the journal, leave." Sakura growled slightly, preparing to use her fist if she had to. _

_"Otherwise, we're going to keep reading. He or She uses code names, so we're going to have to use personality traits to figure out whose this is and who the characters are. Speak up whenever you think you recognize someone."_

_Shino sighed, "This is such an invasion of privacy." They all looked effectively cowed for a moment before Naruto spoke again. _

_"Well, as long as no top secret information is talked about… We really are only trying to return it!" He sounded more indignant with the second part of his thought. Sakura tentatively opened the journal again. _

_"We'll stop if it gets too personal," she decided. "If it's making anyone uncomfortable, they can go." No one left. After a moment, they crowded again around her, the intention of figuring out the author much more determined in their faces. _

"So, what was it this time, Hound?" Weasel pounces on me as soon as we appeared in Team Ro's meeting room. "Helping old ladies or rescuing stray kittens?"

"Maa, got lost on the road of life," I say, brushing it off and leaning forward to pluck the senbon that had jumped to Weasel's lips as soon as he'd lifted his mask out of his mouth.

"HEY," he shouts. I snicker quietly enough that no one can hear and twirl it carelessly around my fingers.

"Hound-taicho," Owl raises his voice a bit and grips Weasel's shoulder tightly, presumably to keep him from lunging at me. "Do you have any insights on the mission to help us prepare?"

"Stealth will be of utmost importance," I say, picking up my authoritative tone. I think for a minute and flick the senbon back towards Weasel. "Showers for all tonight, scentless soaps and shampoos, no sex, you know the drill."

"No sex?!" Weasel pouts even though he has his senbon back. I sigh, we go through this every time we have an intel gathering mission. For me, it's standard procedure. Weasel fights me with each one.

"The scent is too heady, Weasel, way too strong. Do you want to be killed because you couldn't stand just one pre-mission night without sex?" I recite.

"If it was with the hottest, kinkiest chick, then hell yeah! That's worth dying for!" He receives several chuckles of agreement with that one.

"Is it worth your whole team being discovered though?" Cat jumps in to my defense, of course. His eyes are amused by Weasel and my repetitive fight though, so he's not entirely serious. Which is proven when he adds on "Especially since the rest of us don't get that one last night of the hottest, kinkiest chick." That lightens the mood in the whole room. Even I have to chuckle at my kohai's joke.

"Fine, fine," Weasel sighs. "No sex equals no super-noses finding us. Got it, Taicho."

"Are we all set to go, then?" Loon speaks out from the back of the room, her voice soft but strong as always. She appears a moment later by Owl's side in front of me.

"It is, again, a stealth mission, so I will only ask for part of the team. Cat, Owl, Fox, and I will be the main team. Weasel, Panda, Loon, and Rat, you will remain at the halfway mark between Konoha and our target. Provide back up if, and only if, necessary." Everyone nods without argument. They trust me. Cat, Fox, and I are the best at stealth tracking. Owl provides subdued protection that will not hint at who we are if we happen to be caught. Rat is new, I'm not quite confident in his skill set yet, but he'll have another chance to prove his worth as ANBU. Weasel, Panda, and Loon are all excellent shinobi and are perfectly aware that their duty is just as important as the main team's. I could probably have put Loon on the main team as well, but I like to keep my team equally in 4 and 4, plus I try my best to keep Loon and Owl separated on missions which are less than a month, as per their request. Relationships among shinobi, especially ANBU can get quite messy and traumatic. I would hate to lose either Owl or Loon on my team though, so when they told me about their involvement, we made rules that were quite clear and agreeable.

The room clears within minutes and I sigh loudly, crossing my arms on the table, resting my forehead on my arms. I have an hour or two max before I should gather my things for the mission. I clear my head slowly. With each breath in, I think only the number 1, letting each breath out I think only the number 2. After a while, it works like it always does. I am calm, I have a plan. 


	3. Chapter 3

_"Well, Genma is Weasel," Shikamaru said as Sakura flipped the page. "And I'd bet that Hayate is Owl and Loon is his girlfriend with the long purple hair."_

_ "Any insights on who the writer is, genius?" Ino asked sarcastically, but intrigued._

_ "I have an idea," he said, the whole group subconsciously moved closer to him. "I'm not going to say it though, it would be too troublesome to explain. I'll hold it off until later." _

_ "You can't say things like that and not explain!" Naruto shouted, frustrated. _

_ "Shut up Naruto!" Sakura slammed her fist into his head. _

_"Ugh, let's just get back to the book and forget about smart-ass over there," Kiba groaned. The others nodded in agreement. And Sakura found their page. _

The mission went fine, as usual. We accomplished what had to be done in the given amount of time without complications. I collapsed into my bed on our return and slept for two days. Now, I am about to head back to the Hokage Tower with our report. Cat wrote it, of course, but I, as the technical captain, will be presenting it.

I don't bother with the whole waiting outside the door routine. That is only for the special occasion of certain mission briefings. Today, I run along the rooftops and glance into Sandaiime's office window, making sure no one else is present before teleporting inside. Sandaime barely glances up.

"Your mission report is late, Hound," he still doesn't look up from the paperwork in front of him.

"I was tired, it was a long mission. The details are in my report, Hokage-sama," I say, bowing lightly; despite the fact that he's not looking, I know he'll scold me like a three-year-old if I don't.

"Any important incidents I ought to know about?" He flicks his eyes up at me now.

"Not a one," I say cheerfully, planting a fake smile on my face. I reach for the scroll in my vest and place it in the center of his desk. He's looking at me suspiciously. He does this after every mission. I can feel his eyes searching me for a hidden truth, like how I really should be in the hospital but I'm not. It's as he's doing this that we hear the sounds of an explosion outside.

"What the –?" His question is cut off as the door flies open. A harried looking shinobi barges in.

"Pardon me, Hokage-sama," he begins, bowing. "It seems Apartment Building 11 has had a bit of a fire emergency. It was put out quickly, but some flames must have gotten to the oil storage in the basement and now the building has blown up. I was only here to report the fire, but now the whole building is gone."

"Ah, well," Sandaime turns back to me. "Hound, we'll continue our discussion later, leave us now." I don't bother to acknowledge it. I have no business with an exploding building, especially one that isn't mine. I form my hand signals and teleport back to the rooftops. If I was at my normal chakra level, I could have gone straight home, but I seem to still be recovering. I don't worry about this though, it happens to me quite often. I have enough precision in my chakra control that the amount I actually have on a given day doesn't really matter when compared to my overall performance.

I leap over the buildings and decide to stop in at ANBU headquarters to make sure my team is all back to off-mission training. We ended up working ourselves pretty hard, even our back-up squad got a couple fights in. Ah, the life of a shinobi.

Sure enough, I find most of Team Ro at the training grounds, practicing on targets. They raise their hands in greeting. I lift two fingers back at them, taking a mental count of who is there and who isn't. One of the numbers surprises me.

"Where's Cat?" I ask, careful to check the chakra levels around all the trees to make sure he wasn't hiding in one.

"We haven't seen him all morning," Weasel swings down from a tree to my left.

"He was around yesterday," says Rat from behind me. "He seemed to be healed from the mission."

"Kid doesn't usually skip," remarks Panda fondly, but worried. I couldn't handle this anymore.

"Back to work, moving target practice now, sparring this afternoon. Let's go!" I say, voice rising out of my normal monotone range to commanding that we are not talking about Cat anymore. He'll show up, I'm confident, he always does.

_"Some of the things this guy says and does remind me of Kakashi-sensei. You don't think it could be his?" Sakura ventured before turning to the next page. _

_ "No way!" Naruto exclaimed. "Kaka-sensei wouldn't write a journal! He's too much of a pervert!"_

_ "The lateness is definitely a Kakashi-sensei trend though," murmured Tenten thoughtfully. "Perhaps it is his sensei? Or someone he wants to emulate?" _

_ "His sensei was Yondaime," Sakura said. "Yondaime was never ANBU, so it definitely can't be him."_

_ "Hnn," Shikamaru grumbled, all he wanted was to get back to the story. Otherwise he would rather be watching the clouds. This whole find-the-author scheme was so troublesome. _

"Sorry I'm late, Senpai," Cat appears at my shoulder, a little breathless. "My building went up in flames this morning." I raise an eyebrow.

"Apartment Building 11, third floor." I say it as a statement and watch his reaction.

"Hai, Senpai," he responds hesitantly. "Why do you know where I live?"

I shrug casually. "You can spar with me or wait out a battle and fight the winner." I avoid the question as usual. But something else pops into my head. "Where will you live now?" He looks way too surprised that I care.

"I don't know Senpai, I was going to ask Weasel to stay on his couch for a few nights."

"He has a horrible couch," I shudder inwardly. I spent the night on it once, by accident. It had been my worst night of sleep in a long time, which is really saying something for me.

"I know, but I don't have many other options," he murmurs, not meeting my eye. I know he doesn't have any friends outside of ANBU. He'd sleep on a couch in the break room before asking anyone other than Weasel.

"I have a second bedroom that you're welcome to use." I stop. I don't believe that just came out of my mouth. I like the kid, but I don't want him in my space.

"Really, Senpai?" He glances up, now I can't meet his eyes. I still can't understand what the hell I just offered. Instead my mouth fires off a response without consulting my brain. You would love a moment like that.

"Sure."

Its several hours later and Cat is following me to my apartment. I actually love my apartment. It's small, but not too small. There's more than enough space for my vastly growing book collection. I have no doors in it, minus the one for the bathroom because that prevents water from showers escaping to the rest of my place (I would have taken the walls out too, but my landlord probably would have really killed me, I know he wants to anyway). The kitchen is big, my living room consists of an incredibly comfortable overstuffed couch, and I do, truthfully, have a mostly unused second bedroom that had kind of turned into my ninken's room when they decide to hang around post-mission or just keep me company. I'm thinking now, as we run over rooftops, how to explain to them what's going on. I'm also trying to figure out, myself, what is going on. I never offer for people to come to my place. It is _mine._

"Ah, Senpai?" Cat catches up to me as I scale the side of my building. "What exactly are we doing?"

"I don't use my front door. You can, but you'll have to get a key made, I'm not sure what happened to mine." He seems confused. I grin a little, good to know I haven't lost my touch for being incomprehensible.

"I see," he murmurs, though I can tell he is still quite puzzled. I stop, nearing the top floor of my building and form my hand seals to release the protective wards.

"Welcome to my home, Kohai."


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up in a bed that is not mine. The sheets smell stale and have a lingering hint of bleach. Hospital. I have no idea how I end up here. I rack my brain for a moment or two before realizing that the last thing I remember is inviting my kohai into my apartment.

"Senpai?" Cat's voice is worried, but somehow relieved, and I recognize it immediately.

"Mmm?" I respond as uncaring as I can. I need to figure out what happened for myself before I will admit that I blacked out.

"Are you okay?" He asks, almost squinting at me to make sure I'm still sitting here. That's a little odd, I'm not quite used to that expression on his face.

"Right as rain," I say cheerily, duly ignoring his concern and the fact that I'm in the hospital.

The door opens just as Cat's mouth does as he's about to ask me something else, probably if I'm truly crazy. He doesn't get to ask it though, someone else interrupts us.

"Hound-taichou, Cat," Sandaime greets, nodding his head to us. Cat bows deeply, I just nod back at him. "If you wouldn't mind leaving us for a moment, Cat, I would like to speak with Hound about what happened."

"Of course, Hokage-sama," Cat bows again as he leaves my bedside, closing the door behind him. Sandaime just stares at me as he puffs on his pipe. I can feel him assessing the situation and I know that he knows that I don't remember what happened. He seems to be deciding whether he should tell me or torture me.

"You had an anxiety attack and passed out, Hound," he states eventually. His eyes harden on mine. I process what he's told me. Right, anxiety, I sometimes forget that I have it. It's only a hindrance when I let people get close to me. As I think about it the memory comes back and I can't hold back a full body shudder. It's one of the most terrifying things in the world, to not remember how to breathe, to feel like your world is collapsing in on itself, to hear rushing in your ears, and most of all to be fully aware that it's your own subconscious doing it. There is no outside threat with anxiety, there's no one I can beat up to get rid of it; that's the truly terrifying part.

Sandaime turns his attention to look out the window as he lets me process this. He has known about my anxiety since it began, especially since I'm ANBU and even more importantly since I'm an ANBU captain, he kind of has to be proactive about it. That doesn't stop me immediately wanting to argue about what I know he's going to say now.

"Do you know why it happened?" He asks, turning his attention back to me.

"I invited Cat to live with me while he finds a new apartment," I say blandly. There's really nothing else that could have caused it. I should have known, really.

"If you want that option to stay open, I need you to go back –"

"I'm NOT going back there again!" I cut him off, purposely throwing emotion in my voice to cover up the desperation I know is in it.

"Then I will tell Cat that you must rescind your offer." He seems sure that will encourage me. I can't give it to him. He doesn't understand just how much I hate it there; it's even worse than the anxiety itself.

"Fine." I say shortly. Sandaime does nothing but gives a drawn out, disappointed sigh.

"Alright, then I guess you're going on the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder roster, no missions for at least a month, your captainship will be temporarily revoked, and you will no longer be considered for active duty to protect your comrades or your village." My eyes flash hard and cold at him. No freaking way he would stoop this low. My captainship is unimportant, but he is NOT taking away my title as a ninja or my ability to protect everything that is so precious to the ones I loved. He pulls his pipe out of his mouth and stares right back at me.

"You wouldn't," I want to shout, but my voice comes out as a whisper as I feel my chest tighten again. The breath I take to try to argue my point won't enter my lungs. I can't make it happen. Damn it! The more I try, the harder it gets, my body gets consumed with nausea, I feel lightheaded, and my consciousness is slipping again. I know he's right. I need to go back.

_ "Anxiety? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? What the hell is all of that?" Naruto asked, face puckered in confusion. _

_ "Baka! Don't be so insensitive!" Sakura aimed a punch at Naruto's head. The rest of the group looked thoughtful though, as if they couldn't quite answer Naruto's questions either. Ninja talked about things like techniques and battle strategies, not emotional trauma. _

_ "They are forms of deep emotional trauma," Neji stated, almost emotionless as though he were reciting facts he'd known for years. "Many elite jounin, especially ANBU, experience some form of PTSD, symptoms often take the form of odd character quirks. Genma-san and his senbon, for example. Asuma-sensei and his smoking. Kakashi-sensei and his aloof sarcasm. Gai-sensei and his obsessions. Tsunade-sama and her addictions." He hesitated for a moment, as though he knew he shouldn't say the next part that came to his mind. He couldn't help it though, understanding the psyche of a ninja is one of the most important parts of being a shinobi yourself. He'd come to understand that after his fight with Naruto in the chuunin exams. Shinobi's minds don't work the same as civilians on the surface, but when looking underneath the underneath, they most certainly do. Shinobi are prone to the extremes of emotional and physical trauma. While some are able to completely separate their killing selves from their compassionate selves, there are many others who cannot. Neji has long started to believe that shinobi should not be separating themselves into compartments like that. Shinobi must be at peace within themselves, able to greet Death like an old friend, unafraid of what He might do. _

_ The group seemed to sense that Neji wanted to continue talking, so they stayed patiently silent and waited for him to speak again. _

_ "Sasuke," he said, letting the shock register on his comrades' faces. "Sasuke and his penchant for revenge is another example. He was so deeply wounded emotionally by what happened to his family that he was willing to go to any lengths for revenge. He is a smart shinobi, but there was no logic in his very singular goal. As soon as he began to consider himself friends with us, specifically Naruto, his emotional mind probably warned him instead to go much more intensely to finding and killing Itachi. A sort of fight or flight response. He spent so long wrapped up in one ideal that it was perhaps impossible for him to change his entire being so completely and quickly." Neji stopped again here and sighed a little. His comrades looked shocked, expect for Shikamaru and, surprisingly, Shino. The two were nodding as he spoke, acknowledging that this could indeed be a large part of Sasuke's defection from Konoha._

_ The group quieted again as they considered this idea and realized again just how much they relied on one another as ninja as well as how difficult it was for many shinobi to accept this close-loving-ness. _

"Are you sure about this, Senpai?" Cat asks hesitantly.

"Yes," I sigh. "Come in, get settled, I promise not to pass out again." I hustle around my apartment as if I have something that actually needs to get done. He stands at the doorway watching me curiously, a meager bag over his shoulder presumably full of clothes.

"Not right now maybe, but what about tomorrow?" He continues his questioning.

"It's fine," I say in a much more cool, crisp tone. He looks like he wants to ask more questions, but he seems to accept this. Sandaime had approached him after speaking with me and basically said that he was going to be living with me for a while. He didn't have to add that it was because you heard about the situation and decided it was a perfect opportunity for me. This brings bitter memories back for me and I feel my chest start to tighten again. I breathe in, thinking 1 and out again, thinking 2. I'm fine. It's all fine. Cat is a friend, nothing more and nothing less than a trustworthy comrade who I care for.

"Well then, where shall I put my things?"

"Bedroom is over there," I mutter, absently pointing a finger while I amble to my kitchen to put on a pot of tea. He seems to get the idea that I don't know what to do with myself and he doesn't want to see me floundering, so he goes to the room I point at.

I sigh and lean heavily on my counter when I know I'm out of his view. Of course you and Sandaime decided to make him stay with me anyway. Indefinitely. I'm not happy, this is not fair. Perhaps necessary, but not fair. I focus on my breathing as I try to think of ways to cope with my situation. Yes, I care for Cat more than I've cared for anyone in a long time. Not since my sensei, my teammates, my father, before the war. Thinking of my sensei, I perk my head up, there is someone who was important to him that I should check up on. On my time off I like to know that the boy is safe.

I shove my feet into my sandals and open the window, preparing to jump out. I pause before actually jumping though, I'm missing something. I hear footsteps and remember. So I call to him.

"I'm going out. Don't wait up."


	5. Chapter 5

I scale the side of the orphanage, taking care not to wake anyone up. There isn't very much protection around the place, except for the wards that I personally put up around the boy's room. I dispel them silently and crawl in through the window. He's grown since the last time I visited. His hair looks even more like his father's, it's absurd. Not quite as untame as mine can be, but it comes close. I watch him breathe, snoring lightly as only children can do, his chest rising and falling steadily. It calms me. I smile and begin my ritual cleaning of his messy room. I remain quiet and always masking my chakra.

Watching him sleep makes me forget. I don't think about who I've lost or the titles I've gained or where my life is headed. I just exist and so does he. Nothing else matters.

It's this feeling that makes me wonder what my life would be like if I had a child of my own. Or if I wasn't a shinobi and could live on a lovely farm with a large happy family, not know what it's like to experience loss unless it has been expected for weeks from illness. But then the sun starts to rise, he shifts in his sleep, and I can't let him know that I'm here. I can't let him see that I care, as soon as he knows that I do, I know he'll die. That's what always happens. My sensei, my teammates, my father. As soon as our bonds grew, as soon as I acknowledged their importance to me, I lost them all.

I guess that's why you're forcing me to admit how much Cat means to me. He can take care of himself, he won't die when I tell him. That's your theory anyway, I'm sure.

I glance one more time in the window as the child sits in his bed, messes up his hair, and gives an atrociously loud yawn before I replace my wards on his room and disappear.

_ "I wonder who the kid is?" Tenten murmured curiously. _

_ "If we knew that, we would know who the author's sensei was," Sakura sighed, this brilliant original idea of hers was just getting more and more complicated. _

_ "WELL," came a rather loud shout from behind them causing the whole group to jump, "this looks like trouble." The group of teens stood frozen, not daring to turn around and find the source of that voice. Finally, of course Naruto was the one who had to look. _

_ "Y-Y-Yamato-taichou!" He shouted, the rest of the group visibly relaxed. Yamato wasn't the type to go tattling on them and might actually be helpful in their search since he had been ANBU. _

_ "What are you brats up to?" The man asked, frowning slightly at the unassuming journal in Sakura's hands that seemed to be the object responsible for occupying the kids. They all stumbled over their words trying to explain. Finally, Sakura silenced the rest with a look and gave Yamato an understandable answer. _

_ "We were trying to find the author of this journal so we could return it to him," she said simply, and handed the book to him. "We were wondering if you could decipher any of it. He seems to be in ANBU." Yamato took the journal from her as the group watched him with bated breath. _

_ He flipped through the first few pages, skipped ahead, read one section very intently, then skimmed again to the end, chuckling lightly. He tossed it back to Sakura._

_ "I'm surprised you haven't figured him out yet." Yamato turned to Shikamaru. "Especially you," he added. _

_ "I have a pretty good idea, but it's too troublesome to explain to everyone else," Shikamaru grumbled. Yamato leaned closer to the teen and motioned for him to whisper his idea in his ear. A moment later Yamato had a light smile on his face, but refused to give Shikamaru an affirmative or negative answer. _

_ He shook his head at the rest of the group in an amused manner. _

_ "If you don't figure it out by the end of the night, I'll be incredibly disappointed. But, to give you all the hint you so desperately need: this is far from my first encounter with this particular journal. I haven't read the last entry, but I'm quite familiar with the rest." As soon as he registered their shocked faces, he grinned and gave them a lazy wave before heading back to his tent to get some sleep. He was sure he'd hear from them all again, as well as that pesky author, before the night was over. _

Coming up on my own window, I can smell that Cat has done some cooking. Bacon, something minty, pancakes. I speed up, eager to confirm that it is him who has been making breakfast and not one of my more homey-type neighbors.

"Good morning, Senpai," he greets me from the kitchen, my window hasn't even been completely closed yet.

"Yo," I mumble, not quite ready to display my excitement over the food.

Cat comes into my view with a mug of steaming hot peppermint tea, the scent assaults my nose with a refreshing zing and I feel my face relax. I hadn't even realized how tense I had gotten in the minutes since my return. The tea reminds me that Cat is still Cat despite the fact that he is now my roommate. He is still the man who hates coffee unless he's hungover, still the one who consistently chooses minty flavors over spicy, and still the comrade who will never drink lukewarm or cold tea. I know him, I know this tea.

He leaves me alone to drink it as he walks back into the kitchen to set my little table with our delightful breakfast. Always proper, respecting my privacy. It's a pity I have no intention of doing the same for him.

He makes no further move to acknowledge me as I enter the kitchen, so I just lean on the doorframe, sipping my tea and watching him flip pancakes. So domestic, if it were anyone else I would comment on it, but this is Cat and for some reason, I don't want to make things more awkward between us beyond the living situation. I realize that I've been watching him for far too long when my eyes drag up to his face which is holding a very amused smirk. I resist the urge to be childish and stick out my tongue at him, instead I sigh dramatically, pretend he's the one who should be embarrassed, and bring up our next mission.


	6. Chapter 6

I am exhausted after the mission, I hate to admit that I really did need that chakra boost from the medic-nin before heading back to my apartment. I come in through my window, not even bothering to look around for Cat, I'm sure he's probably already passed out and if not, I couldn't care less. I start stripping, my feet fall out of my sandals, I cross my arms to pull my shirt over my head, untie my pants, let them fall to the ground after using a kunai to cut through my remaining shin bindings, and finally escape from my netted under-armor. Ah, sweet freedom.

"Senpai!" I turn around to see Cat's face becomes a rather startling shade of red. He looks like he just came out of the shower, nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Well, I assume the towel was recently wrapped around his waist anyway, it seems to have tumbled to the floor from a very poorly tied knot. I can't help but grin as I see the flush spread over the rest of his body.

"You know, I often say that nakedness breeds familiarity." I let myself shout a laugh at his obvious discomfort before turning from him again and heading into the bathroom for my own long-awaited shower.

_"AHH, this sounds like Yamato-taicho now," Naruto pouted, crossing his arms and sitting on the ground. _

_ "There's no question of who Cat is, right?" Neji sighed. He was 85% positive he knew the author and was quite a bit incredulous, but at least it would be entertaining to see the others' reactions. Naruto threw him a confused glare, but Shino spoke up. _

_ "Of course it's Yamato-taicho."_

_ "I think that means the author's got to be the person who has the most influence over Yamato-taicho, actually." Sakura murmured. Tenten and Ino nodded in agreement._

_ "Well, who is that?" Kiba nearly growled, hating the suspense. _

_ "Kakashi-sensei," Hinata barely whispered. The others looked at her, Shikamaru and Neji had already been thinking that, but it was still odd to have the thought spoken out loud. And it fit: the lateness, the aloofness, the obsession with not walking through doors, being a top ANBU captain. It wasn't a wild suggestion anymore, it was a valid possibility. _

_ "Kakashi-sensei has anxiety?" _

_ "Kakashi-sensei lived with Yamato-taicho?"_

_ "Kakashi-sensei peeped on me as a baby?! He's such a PERVERT!" Sakura punched Naruto on the head. She wanted to finish the journal without Kakashi-sensei coming over to torture them for reading it. This was their most mysterious teacher's work, of course their curiosity peaked even higher. _

I know, I _know_ there are reasons for everything that happens, but for some reason I can't find this one. I watch Cat move around our living room with ease as he puts up bookshelves. What was supposed to be a temporary living arrangement has become months and now he's redecorating. And I like it. I enjoy his company. I'm excited for the shelves, to have the space to organize all my books exactly as I like them. I haven't felt this….content for many years. There has got to be a reason. And how did you and Sandaime know that Cat would bring this out in me? He's really nothing special, but somehow he's completely extraordinary. I blame the mokuton. And his cooking skills. And being back in therapy.

Having to write all of this stuff down is incredibly frustrating. I enjoy being ignorant of my own thoughts and feelings. Now, I have to write and explore the reasons behind them. Which is the whole point of this journal, I know. To be in touch with myself, to grow as a person, to understand that it really will be okay if I let people into my heart. And all the rest of that touchy-feely stuff.

I watch Cat craft my new bookshelves and realize that someday I'll probably let him read this journal.

_"Just what have we got here?" A voice materialized behind the group. _

_"We've still got almost half of this journal left! We have to finish it!" Multiple voices joined together in the whine before the journal was snatched right out of Sakura's hands. _

_"OI! What was that for?!" She shouted, preparing chakra in her fist. It died as the voice that spoke became a figure very well-known to all of them. _

_"K-K-K-K-Kakashi-s-s-s-s-s-sensei"_


	7. Chapter 7

_The group ran furiously after the lazy silver haired shinobi, shouting at him. He was quite obviously enjoying their frustration despite the fact that he was secretly glad they had read some parts of his journal. Maybe he should have let them read more, but there would hopefully be time for that later. It had been so long ago, so many things had changed, and yet they were still the same. _

_ He summoned a few shadow clones into existence to keep the young brats occupied and sat back to watch them. Impromptu training had always been his favorite way to go and watching a certain blond boy still gave him a calm, warm fuzzy feeling in his heart. He settled into his perch in the tree, opened his favorite book, and listened to the sounds of his village. _

_ The journal, on the other hand, lay forgotten amidst a pile photographs. Well, almost forgotten. Yamato hadn't really read that last entry thoroughly and he had a strange feeling that part might just be the most important. He glanced up at the goings on of multiple Kakashis tormenting the teenage shinobi, then smiled to himself and picked up the discarded book. Kakashi wouldn't write anything down if it wasn't meant to be read. He would've burned the journal if it were something he didn't want shared. He knew someone someday would find it and read it. The legend of the Great Hatake Kakashi, Konoha's Copy Ninja, Master of a Thousand Jutsu. He had meant this last page to be the most important. _

_ So, Yamato took a deep breath and opened the journal to the very last page. _

I stare at you and you just stare right back.

"So, you're back again, huh?" You say, I can feel the 'I told you so' feeling behind your spoken words. I shouldn't have to put up with this again. I don't respond. You sigh and tap your pen against your clipboard.

"How do you feel about being asked to retire from ANBU?" You ask, I can tell you're sick of trying to be gentle with me. After all the years we've known each other, you finally acknowledge that I really am just an ass. It's when I see the aggravation in your eyes and know that it's directed towards Sandaime for making you put up with me yet again, that I decide to its time to throw you for another curveball. Not because you did anything spectacular to deserve it, not because you're endlessly patient, not because you actually care for me, and not because we have some deep unspoken bond. Really it's mostly because I have to say it out loud and I know you can handle my bullshit. I'm going to tell you the truth.

"I wish I could say that finally they get it; that finally I'm right. But that's not true. I have the ANBU record for least number of casualties, I am considered the best captain they have ever had. My record is virtually spotless, I complete every mission; I do not fail. Tenzo will take my place, I have taught him well and he was already an incredible shinobi. I honed his leadership skills in order for him to be the best, I don't want that title. So, now they are making me a sensei. They want me to teach more students how to be just like me, I am the perfect tool because I won't let my village die. That is not what I had hoped for them to learn."

You stare at me, lost in shock. I smirk a little, I enjoy tormenting you a bit too much.

"What do you wish for them to learn?" You ask, recovering.

"That there is no such thing as a genius shinobi. Anyone who is smart enough to lead the troops is smart enough to understand there ought to be better ways in this world than killing people. Anyone with brilliance understands simplicity is a better way to live. It is those who are not confident in themselves who seek power, battles, and passion. The way of the shinobi is not about leaders, missions, and casualties. It's not even about strength, stamina, or competition."

"Then what is it about?" You are mesmerized and I can't stop myself now.

"It's about the opposite. Compassion. Not for solely your village, but for every living being. It's about friendship. Trusting so many that you don't need the knowledge of someone watching your back. Most importantly, it's about beauty. The small things, minimalism, watching a sunrise, hearing a heartbeat, smelling fresh wet soil after a rain, tasting real food that was grown and prepared with love." I stop, sigh, and shake my head. "That's what they'll never understand. They'll never admit. So, I will take on genin teams, but they have to pass my tests. If a team should pass, I will hope with all my heart that they will understand my views. I cannot tell them or force them to see it my way. That would lead them to follow blindly, subconsciously. I can't have that. It is that sort of thinking which caused this whole mess in the first place. If this idea is truly going to take hold and last, it will only do so as an unspoken epitome."

We stare at one another for a while.

"Kakashi," you murmur. I pull this journal out from my pocket. It is enveloped by an Icha Icha cover. I write down this conversation on the last page.

I will give it to you in a moment, so you can remember our conversation. So you can give it to Sandaime with a sigh. So you can apologize to him about what you failed to do with me. But, to give you hope, you didn't really fail. I am here. I understand my thoughts, I know what I strive for. I could never have done this without you. Without Obito, Rin, Yondaime, Tenzo, Gai, Sandaime, or you. My therapist. So, this is it. I hope this journal passes to those who need to know that they are not alone in striving for the goals I outlined above. Or perhaps that it will be burned so that no one will ever know that I, Hatake Kakashi, am in reality, a thoughtful and kind-hearted, simple-minded man underneath it all. I do have a reputation to uphold. And I am nothing if not stubborn, Yuujin.

A/N *yuujin translates to friend in English. I wanted this to be Kakashi's recognition that to anyone who read the entirety of this journal is considered a friend. Starting with his therapist and ending with wherever else the journal may end up. Also, to go with Naruto's ideals of every person treating one another like comrades, this is Kakashi's way of being nondiscriminatory in saying that anyone can/should be a friend.

There was a lot more that I had meant to do with this journal when I first started it, so I might be editing in more chapters in the middle as I go along... Or do a sequel story, like "The Lost Journal Chapters" or something. But I just felt that I could only drag their ignorance out so long, and once they knew it was him, I didn't want to get as personal as I had originally planned on...

But anyway, I hope y'all enjoyed it! Reviews are appreciated!


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